I recently re-read my old article on this subject and felt moved to replace it with this one.
When i write about boldly going nowhere it often comes across as though i’m suggesting that we become inactive – that we stop responding to what is or being passionate about change. Boldly going nowhere isn’t about doing nothing, it’s about not-doing everything – doing everything without doing.
Tanjin sat with Adviser Kujat on a large rock at the edge of the swimming hole. "I’m having trouble with my studies," he began.
"Oh?" Kujat said as he absentmindedly poked at the rock with a stick. Contrary to official doctrine, the Adviser had hiked up his official robe and tied it in a knot to help him stay cool in the summer heat. Tanjin was surprised to find that he wasn’t so surprised at the sight.
He was early – he’d made sure of that. He wanted to be there long before his adviser arrived at mid-afternoon, whenever that was. Tanjin dropped his small pack and squatted on the large, flat rock at the edge of the swimming hole. The midday sun filtered through the summer leaves, shafts falling around him in the cool, quiet shade. He pulled a bottle of water from his pack and drank from it as he gently settled into the scene.
Tanjin quickly made his way through the darkening wood toward his weekly session with Adviser Kujat. He’d been instructed to be at the cliff before sundown, but "before" was quickly becoming "sundown" and he was afraid his elder was already waiting. He noticed that some of the blooms on the glowvines that bordered the trail were already beginning to light the way with their sweet-smelling, soft-green glow. "I must be later than i thought," he thought, and quickened his already hurried pace. Not long after, he rounded the final turn and saw his adviser calmly arriving from the other direction. The young scholar slowed and breathed a sigh of relief.
That is the question: Whether ’tis nobler in practice to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous feelings, or to take arms against that sea of troubles, and by opposing end them (to borrow from Hamlet). Or, as an old friend of mine used to say, "Yuck or yum? Hm. Tough choice. Why would i want to feel yuck when i can feel yum?" That makes sense, right? Yum is positive, happy, healthy, clean, good, natural and right. Yuck is negative, unhappy, unhealthy, dirty, bad, unnatural and wrong. There we go, painting reality in black and white again. Making things that simple sure is convenient, isn’t it? "There are no shades of gray. Anything that’s not pure white we’ll call black. Because it’s not white. And we don’t have time to deal with all those shades of gray. Besides, everything is inherently white underneath all the dirt and filth that collects on it over time. If it’s not perfect, it’s a problem."
Am i clear because i keep myself from shitting or because i allow my shit to move through me? When i put it that way i probably don’t have to say anything else. But i will. You know me. I’ll be brief though.
Life is a river. A river is a serpent goddess, winding and bucking her way to the sea. Sometimes slow and soporific, sometimes warm and playful, sometimes wild with abandon, sometimes terrible and ferocious – always deadly. Life-bringer and destroyer, she wears down the strongest mountains and fertilizes valleys as she goes. She gives life to flora and fauna and demolishes and drowns as she goes. Nothing can stand in her way. She wears everything down, eventually grinding it to sand and silt as she goes. Riding on her back can be relaxing, exhilarating and humiliating. Having a few skills can help keep you alive as she goes.
I first remember feeling confused about private and public in high school when i saw the people around me putting on personas like they were playing dress-up with their parents’ clothes or choosing just the right costume for Halloween. It was as though their entire lives had become a masquerade party. Like switching from an old DOS computer to one running Vista, i no longer had access to the guts of their machine, so to speak. I had to interact with a fancy, user-friendly interface whose purpose it was to hide their inner workings. I was baffled. "I didn’t order this upgrade. Can i return it and go back to dealing with their guts?"
For most of us, this statement is an effective rallying cry in our search for authenticity, understanding, awareness, liberation, empowerment, etc. Since the truth plopped itself in my lap a couple years ago, the only thing it’s liberated me from is my search for the truth. Now what? Chop wood and carry water, of course. Except that that the wood and water of daily life have always felt like more than i can chop or carry by myself. What’s more, my life up until a couple years ago has been focused on searching for the truth – of reality in general and of why i’m not able to make my way in the world as most people can. Now that those quests are over, there isn’t much left to occupy my time. What’s an undomesticated, differently-abled manimal to do?
“Nothing means anything. Everything is simply what it is.”
- Kira Ohina and Cristina Smith
shinai jakar
hermit
my music and art are at
shinaijakar.com.
